I am not the girl with a soft heart. The girl who gives out second chances. The girl who sees the best in every person who approaches. I am not that nice.
My heart has hardened after years of disappointment. I have been in love before — or at least had strong feelings for others before — and it has gotten me nowhere. I used to try but my effort was unrequited. Every time I found myself in a budding relationship, it seemed one-sided.
I cannot consider myself a romantic because I do not believe in love at first sight or soulmates. At this point, I’m not even sure if I believe in true love.
I have trouble wrapping my brain around the possibility of forever. People never remain in my world for long, so I try not to get too attached. I don’t want to waste my time getting to know someone who is only going to walk away with my secrets held close to their chest.
Because of my hardened heart, I have trouble forming intimate relationships with others. When they take one step closer, I take one step away. I hesitate to let anyone into my world, because every lover is a future stranger.
No matter how much chemistry I have with someone, no matter how intense our connection seems at first, I assume they are going to leave me eventually. I have trust issues. Abandonment issues. Heavy baggage brought on from years of rejection.
I am not the kind of person who will lock eyes with a stranger from across the room and imagine our love story unfolding. I am the kind of person who will go on ten dates with someone, listen to their promises about the future, and still assume the worst will occur. Years into a relationship, I will still have trouble believing they mean it when they tell me they care.
My hardened heart has morphed me into a pessimist. I cannot enjoy someone’s company without counting down the seconds until they grow bored of me. I cannot picture a future with anyone, because I imagine myself alone for eternity.
Sometimes, I wish I had a softer heart. I wish I could blindly believe others when they made me promises. I wish I could trust wholly without wondering whether I was being played. I wish I could see the best in people instead of searching for their one flaw that will eventually cause everything to collapse.
I wish I had an easier time believing in love, but my heart has hardened after so many letdowns.
I cannot dive headfirst into a relationship, because I am trying to protect myself. I don’t want to be hurt again. I would rather remain alone than go through the pain of losing someone else. I would rather hurt myself before anyone else has the chance to do it first.
I have a hardened heart, but I wasn’t born like this. I was made this way by a lifetime of heartbreaks.